Finding Your Heart

I had a dark day the other day. It was sweet medicine to write & process through it. Please read this with that in mind — it’s going to be real / raw! I hope this encourages you to seek God in your darkest hours.

Another Monday

Why am I feeling numb? It feels like tunnel vision. There’s so much weight. All that weight. I can feel it in my nose. I can feel it in my eyes. My forehead hurts. My jaw.

As I write this, I flip through my Spotify, song to song, desperate for relief, nowhere to be found. I think I know why I’m doing that – music helps me cry. Those tears want to be let out.

Maybe that’s why I feel like bursting in anger at my coworker(s). It’s just undercover sadness.

It just feels like there is a reserve of tears welling up inside that can not come out. There’s an impenetrable wall there and I can’t open it. Can’t figure out exactly what’s going on. Confused. Jesus, please open it.

There is a part of me that just does not want to submit to God’s law, this feels like my flesh. My spirit wants to (I think). I associate the weight with God perhaps. Dead religion. I woke up this morning, decided not to meet with God because I didn’t want to be fake. Often I feel fake. It has me thinking about what other people’s prayer lives are like and how mine pales in comparison, like I am spiritually destitute! This line of thinking hinders my prayers. It’s tough because I’ve wired myself this way. I can go hours without noticing, so many micro moments leading me to the state I’m in now. 

I feel free from the state of depression that has long gripped me, but it still rears its ugly head sometimes. Like today. Still dealing with the after effects I think. At least I notice it. Those beliefs, feelings, neuro pathways are still there, dormant, rising at the opportune moment. My release meter is being triggered again and again. It’s deep in the red.

Aka, my brain is pointing me to my normal modes of release (porn, lust) to get me out of this. It does, only temporarily. Only makes it worse. Sin is a path that only leads to death. A painful, miserable existence. Today I’ve felt like I’ve wanted to die. It’s not what I really want. What I really want is heaven. That God-longing.

Besides circumstances (and oh that’s a big thing isn’t it?) nothing has changed since the moment, hours ago, yesterday perhaps, where I was worshiping God. Why then the despair?

Maybe it’s because it feels like an endless maintenance project to follow God. Like I have to be on my A game, handling temptations, etc. I’m pretty sure that’s not what Jesus is asking me to do. My way of living, it’s tiring, and I don’t want it. Jesus, His yoke is easy, His burden light. I think I’ve been trying to do everything (even prayer) in my own strength. I need a perspective shift. Following Him should be ever so attractive, not something that at times can give me a wave of anxiety just thinking about it.

I’ve found it hard to focus on Christ long-term. I can do short bursts. Maybe all Jesus wants me to do is focus on is the short bursts, and those bursts will in time grow to long-term living. Maybe this, even my short bursts, is what God is using to nurture our relationship. 

Lord, teach me to follow you with this in mind, and walk the path / bursts / sprints you have before me, in joy, as your child. Amen.

Psalm 43:5 — “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.“